I did a review on my YouTube of A Monster Calls last year and if you watched it, you'll know how much that book affected me. This isn't a scheduled post today, like so many of my others are. I just finished watching the film adaptation of A Monster Calls and I just had to do a post about it because of the feelings it evoked in me.

As you all probably know, today is the last day of Mental Health Awareness Week and when I read the book last year, I wasn't in the same mindset that I am now; so watching the film brought out different feelings than the book did.

The part of the book and film that touched my heart was when (spoiler ahead) Conor admits that he wants everything to be over, he's tired of living life the way it is at the moment and he just wants it to end. (Conor's mum is terminally ill and by him admitting he wants it to be over, he is essentially admitting he's accepted she's going to die and he wants it to happen). What Conor doesn't understand is that you can want something to be over desperately, but still want to live life the way it is, that it's perfectly possible to want both and that is essentially what he learns at the end of the story. This is the part that rings true for me, but I feel this way about myself.

If you've followed my blog for a while, you know I suffer with chronic illnesses that have changed my life, as well as mental health issues; which I honestly think comes hand in hand when you're diagnosed with something long term. It's a lot to deal with, both mentally and physically and it's hard; my god, it's hard. I am constantly caught in the middle of wanting everything to be over, but wanting to carry on. Not wanting my mental and physical issues to take over my life and define me but also wanting to give up and let it consume me. Once you admit that to yourself, life becomes easier to deal with. You need to discover yourself that it's okay not to be okay and it's okay to not feel strong enough to cope with a certain situation anymore. It doesn't make you bad, it just makes you human. 

Confession: I text Samaritans 3 or 4 times a week. Admitting your fears, your worries, your weaknesses, your thoughts, to an unbiased individual who won't judge you is one of the most refreshing things you can do. It's okay to admit that you don't want to carry on but you don't want to give up on yourself; actually, it's the first step to getting better.

Talk to someone, talk to me, talk to the Samaritans. You can get better, you will get better; you just have to first accept who you are.