How Things (Don't) Change...

6 years ago
"Just lay on your back for me, this won't hurt a bit, will just feel a little cold, we just want to see if there's anything going on in there", the nurse tells me as I lay down for the first time in a cardiology assessment unit. I look to my left and my sister's holding my hand and smiling at me. "It'll be okay Zo, don't worry", she says, squeezing my hand. I was 17 and naked from the waist upwards with a gown protecting my modesty. It was a terrifying time but everything was unknown and no one knew what was wrong with me and I didn't realise at the time that it's sometimes easier than knowing the truth. I had an echo-cardiogram for the first time. It's like an ultrasound on your heart. I could hear my heart pumping away, faster than I'd ever heard it. "Just think Zo, the next time you'll be having an ultrasound, it'll probably be for a baby", my sister said and we both laughed. How wrong we were.
"Everything looks okay structure wise, I think it might be an electrical problem with your heart", the nurse told me. I had no idea what she meant but I'd soon learn and I'd know it all too well.

Present Day
"Lay on your back for me. This won't hurt but it will feel cold...but I'm sure you've heard this before", the nurse tells me as I lay down for what feels like the thousandth time in a cardiology assessment unit. I look to my left and no one's there, I'm used to these tests now. I stare at the wall silently, waiting for it to be over. I'm 23 and naked from the waist upwards with a gown half on and half off; too many hospital staff have seen me half naked now for me to feel embarrassed at all. I know everything now. I know this will probably never go away. I know this is a part of me now and I know every single finer detail about it. I hear my heart pumping fast, as usual. "Wow, you have a really high resting heart rate, that must be exhausting for you", the nurse says. I smile at her politely and look to the ground, "It is". I think of the time my sister told me that the next time I had this would be when I was pregnant; I laugh to myself. Being pregnant is a forgotten dream for me, something I've gotten used to over the years. "There's no structural abnormalities, it still seems to be an electrical issue but I'm sure you know that", the nurse tells me. I know what she means, I've learned it all over the years and I know it all too well.

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