GROWING UP

Or not, as the case may be. From a young age, I observed the magical, mysterious world that I would someday be a part of. Adulthood. You never feel it approaching, you still feel like a child and then one day you realise, "I'm 23. I'm married. I live in my own place with my husband...I must be an adult". And what a terrifying prospect it is.

Employment. Jobs. Money. Relationships. Families. Balance. Oh, the balance. If there's anyone that's managed to find the balance of everything in their life, I applaud you. There's no guide to becoming an adult; it feels like one day you're thrust into the deep end of a bottomless pool, desperately trying to stay afloat. My mum let me dip a toe into the shallow end of adulthood when I was about 14, slowly giving me the independence and freedom I needed, until I was fully immersed and ready to embrace life on my own...as an adult.

Others aren't lucky enough to have a life swimming instructor, like my mum. Some of us flee the nest, accustomed to everything being done for us and expecting life to do the same and the harsh reality hits where you realise: Hey, guess what? I'm on my own now and I need to start doing things for myself.

I am used to adult life now. I'm a fully functioning adult, a young one though, I'd just like to add. So why do I feel more mature than most adults? Why can I be more civil than people double my age? Why do these "so called" adults let jealousy and bitterness overcome their lives, so much so that they make themselves miserable? I always thought it was love, caring too much but it isn't.

The past three years of my lives have been a roller-coaster. I lost my Dad and sisters to jealousy of me sharing my weekends with someone other than them. I lost my Nan to jealousy that my wedding day wasn't about her. I lost my Step Dad to jealousy of loyalty to my mother when they separated. I read those statements back and I laugh. Laugh because that's not love, that's not caring. Love is acceptance. Love is watching someone do what makes them happy and being okay if you're not at the centre of their world anymore. Love is watching someone you love move miles away to be with a new partner, feeling inexplicably jealous but realising, distance doesn't mean they love you any less, and doesn't mean you love them any less...I'm looking at you, mum. Love is leaving behind your family and friends, to start a new life of your own and realising, "yes, I left behind a life I loved and was familiar with, it was scary and hard, but look at me now"...I'm looking at you, Hayden.

I have come to the realisation very recently that I'm too nice. There are certain people in my life, who (whilst I'm being completely honest) have purposely tried to make me feel like shit because they don't agree with a decision that I had no control over. But blaming me is easier than blaming the person you love, right? I get it, I do. I see it time and time again, but it doesn't make it okay. It's not okay to exploit someone's niceness over a choice they didn't make. I like to think I'm going to be braver now, fiercer but knowing me, it will be the usual "sit and have a cry and a rant with a cup of tea"...because that's what us adults do, right?

Honesty. Try it. Being honest is exhilarating. If you're reading this now and you're feeling a negative emotion towards someone (rational or otherwise), I can guarantee you that letting that person know what the problem is, will not only be a huge relief to you, but a relief for them too. Sometimes saying things out loud makes you realise how irrational you're being. It's okay not to like someone, we live in a world where everyone is different and expecting everyone to like each other is utterly ridiculous but it's your choice to be nasty or to be civil.

You can choose to let things ruin your life. You can choose to be petty. You can choose to make rude, sarcastic comments. You can choose to post nasty, sneaky things on social media to make someone feel like an outcast. You can choose to be bitter. You can choose to make yourself miserable. But you know what I choose? Love. Happiness. Yes, of course I feel jealousy, bitterness, guilt, sadness, anger...everyone does but don't let those emotions define you. I've watched countless people do just that and lose everyone they love. Just ask yourself, is it really worth it in the end?






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