• They were a huge part of my childhood- When I was young, I used to go to the library almost every Saturday morning with my dad. A lot of (although not all) of the books that I consider childhood favourites are ones I discovered on such a trip. Before I discovered the wonder of reserving a book we also did a tour of all the libraries in my area so that I could find even more new books to read.
• I get to read books for free- The concept of libraries will never stop blowing my mind. They enable us to read books we might not otherwise be able to afford (I can buy some books but certainly not ALL of the ones I want to read. I`d be bankrupt in days). I`m so thankful that they still do exist, considering some closures in the area and massive budget cuts.
• The reservation system- As I touched on in my 1st point, I think the reservation system is pretty flipping cool. Especially now I`ve discovered the online system and I can do this in a click of a button or two, I reserve WAY more books than I probably should do and max out my card on an almost monthly basis (I currently have it down to 8 books. I`m most proud of myself)
• I did my work experience there- I was lucky enough to spend a week on work experience at my local library and it was pretty wonderful. I got to know some of the staff quite well (and met some others I`d never known before) and now every time I`m in it`s really great to see them. It also made me realise that I`d really like to work in a library again at some point in my life.
• It feels like home- Call me cheesy if you like. My library is, to me, like a second home of a sort. I know it like the back of my hand; it feels safe; I love being there. Home. And it`s one I never want to see gone.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you will know that I live with a chronic illness called PoTS. If you're not familiar with this, I explain all about it here. I have been living with this condition for 6 years (since I was 17) and in that space of time, apart from my diagnosis, which took years in itself, I've never really had any answers.

I had 2 failed heart operations, 5 hospitals, multiple consultants, tried many pharmaceutical solutions, been in ambulances more times than I can count and honestly, I'd had enough. In June, I was terminated from my job for being ill (very illegal, I know) but this was the push I needed to do something for me and get things sorted.

I booked an appointment with a private cardiologist (most of my final savings were spent on this appointment, in the hope things would change) and he referred me under the NHS to the National Hospital of Neurology and Neuroscience. He told me they had a few consultants who specialised in PoTS. Now, for someone who's used to explaining to doctors what PoTS is, this almost felt too good to be true. 6 years on and I finally meet someone who isn't just interested in my heart, but is interested in my autonomic system? Until yesterday, I didn't believe it.

I arrived at the hospital in London after 5 months of waiting for an appointment. My consultant was quite stern at first, something I've not really had before and I was incredibly nervous. This was my initial appointment, I was expecting to repeat the same tedious stories about my condition, and leave after 20 minutes feeling deflated - that's what I was used too.

Over an hour later, I was still sitting in that room. Sobbing my heart out. For years, I've never met anyone that truly seemed to understand what I was going through, and believe every word that came from my mouth. There was no, "are you sure your symptoms are like that?", "is your heart really that fast?" - she was knowledgeable, thorough and filled me with something I thought I had lost a long time ago - hope.

She gave me advice. Not "let's pump you with drugs and send you on your way" advice; which I was so certain she'd say. Real, usable advice. For any readers out there of PoTS, here are some of the things she told me:

• Higher salt/water intake (I'm sure you all know that)
• Small meals (another popular one)
• Heel lifts when standing for extended periods of time
• Drink water before getting out of bed in the morning
• Drink cold water during a bath to make it more bearable
• Cross your legs whilst standing to help 

and the one that filled my eyes with tears:

•  Don't push yourself. Repeat small things you know you can do. For years, I've been told, "well you should be doing this, you should be doing that" and when you can't do it, you sink into a bout of depression. She told me: "if you're tired, you've done too much - it doesn't matter if you walk around the house and you're tired, don't do it and don't push yourself". I was overwhelmed by this. I didn't have to make myself lethargic and ill for days on end to prove anything, to anyone - who knew?

She said in the next few months I will be booked in for extensive testing. I am excited, and terrified at the prospect of this. They put you up in a hotel in London and push your limits. It consists of a 24 Hour Blood Pressure Monitor, whereby you're asked to do some intense exercises and provoke your symptoms. A 45 minute tilt test, in extreme conditions, whilst having ECGs, blood pressure and bloods taken from you (sounds enjoyable, that one). A digestive test, whereby you're given a liquid meal and lay down for 45 minutes and they monitor how well you digest your food.

I'm sure there are things I've forgotten because I left feeling in a daze. Apart from my brief crying outburst in there, I haven't cried about it; not once. I think I just feel numb and in shock. I've never left an appointment feeling positive before - I didn't know that you could. Even after coming round from my operations, I could tell by the deflated looks on my consultants' face that I was still stuck with this. This is new and incredible.

If you don't live with someone with PoTS/have it yourself, you don't truly realise how much it affects the person. Even my mum, my sister - the people I love most, they don't realise how difficult it is because I'm an adult now, and when you're an adult, living in your own home, you kind of feel like you have to cope with this on your own. But I don't, not anymore.

She offered me support groups. I can meet people with PoTS, like me. How amazing is that? I feel like this post is just a long, happy rant about how positive yesterday was - but it's nice to post a positive personal post for the first time in a while. If anyone has any questions, feel free to comment, message, or email me: zoecollins1994@gmail.com. I'm always here to talk, especially with fellow PoTS sufferers.

1. Nevernight by Jay Kristoff. I feel like I am constantly raving about this since I read it recently. It has assassins, murder, poison, creepy magic, twists you don’t see coming and a kickass heroine with an attitude. The writing is exquisite and the world-building is outstanding. I want to immerse myself in this world forever. I don’t often start a sequel the second I put a book down, but I made an exception for the sequel to Nevernight.
2. Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. I am so late to the Sarah J. Maas party that is seems everyone has moved onto hating the series and I’m just starting. A friend of mine rates this series as one of the best she’s read, and she has good taste. I’m only 2 books in, and I love it. Why? Assassins! Murder! Poison! Magic! Twists! Kickass heroine with an attitude! Are you spotting a pattern here? Books with these themes always feature highly in my favourites.
3. Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare. Well, the whole Infernal Devices series. It has assassins, murder, magic, twists and a kickass heroine (this is getting ridiculous now, isn’t it?) It also has Shadowhunters, a glorious battle between good and evil, a woman trying to succeed in a world where men want to exclude her, and Will Herondale. Oh Will Herondale. If you haven’t read the Shadowhunter books, do so now. All of them. Now. Go.
4. The Graces by Laure Eve. There are no assassins (sigh), but there are witches, magic and twists. This book is like a really cosy comfort blanket to me. I’m sure everyone went through a stage of loving witchy stories with weirds girls and unlikely friendships; I never grew out of it. I still love The Craft and Practical Magic and this book reminded me of both. The Graces makes my witchy heart happy. I cannot wait to see where Laure is taking this in the sequel.
5. A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness. This book has almost none of my aforementioned favourite things, and yet, I loved it. I still do. It has cancer, a small boy struggling to find his place and a talking tree. It is one of the most poignantly beautiful and heart-breaking stories I have ever read. Patrick Ness never fails to hurt my heart with his books. If you haven’t read this yet, do, but have tissues and don’t watch the film straight after unless you want to be destroyed.

Michael's Spear
Rating: 4/5
Buy or Borrow: Buy
Source: Copy courtesy of Dome Press

The Universe is coming apart at the seams. As Jonathan and his friends fight to save it, their every move is being watched from the shadows. Lilith, the last Archdemon has plans of her own, and with the legendary Michael's Spear under her control Jonathan has never faced a more lethal foe. With the odds stacked against him, Jonathan will need all the help he can get if he is to fulfil his destiny. It's time for Gabriel's grandson finally to spread his wings...

All That She Can See

Author: Carrie Hope Fletcher

Publisher: Sphere

Read why I chose All That She Can See as my nosaferplace Book Club pick here:

Grave Matter
Rating: 5/5
Buy or Borrow: BUY
Source: Copy from Barrington Stoke

Since the car accident that resulted in the death of his girlfriend Eliza, Samuel is devastated and blames himself for the crash. He is drowning in grief and his overwhelming need to reunite with Eliza drives him to the forces of black magic, in a bid to bring her back to life. But he has difficult choices to make and the terrifying consequences of dark magic are about to raise their head…

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. Or whether it will even be posted. I've tried typing, writing poetry, but nothing seems to convey the pain that I feel; I'm not sure anything ever could.

3 years ago, I lost a baby. To 99% of you, this will be news. Even to the people I love most, the people I trust with my life, I kept this from you. Not because I didn't want to tell you; I did, more than anything. I'm sure any woman who's had a miscarriage understands the guilt and shame that you feel when you lose a baby. I hadn't even known I was pregnant until I started miscarrying, which for me, left me plagued with guilt. Had I been drinking? Had I been abusing my body? Had I killed my own baby? Thoughts that still haunt me now, 3 years later.

I told two people when it was happening. I chose badly. One said, "Oh, my ____ lost a baby a lot further down the line, at least it didn't happen then". Another said, "Are you sure you're even miscarrying? Think you should be worrying more about the partner". I shut down after that. I understand that people say things because they think they're being helpful but when I'm trying to cry silently, clutching my stomach in pain and watching what could have grown into a newborn baby leave my body, you don't want to hear those things. And they are the comments that have stopped me talking about it for three years.

I went to the doctors on my own, discussed it with them, went through the usual procedures and over time, told my sister and my god-mum. Both who gave me a very stern telling off as to why I didn't tell them. One person I still haven't told is my mum. I'm not sure why but she was always the hardest. Funny really, as she would have been the most understanding and loving; but she was the person I wanted to be proud of me and even now, I'm still ashamed of this.

I'd watched people around me go through it, comforting them in any way I knew how - but you can never know the pain, physically and emotionally, until it happens to you. Never question someone when they tell you they're going through it, never compare to someone else's miscarriage (quite frankly, I almost shouted: "I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT SOMEONE'S ELSE'S BABY - THIS ONE WAS MINE"), never make someone feel like their emotions aren't important: just support them, love them, be there for them.

I cope so much better than I used too. I still think about my baby everyday, of course I do. "Oh, they'd be 2 years old now", "oh, they'd be starting nursery now" but that's normal and I'm hoping now I've finally talked about, things will get easier. It's just this one day a year where my baby completely takes over my brain, and that's the least they deserved.

Guilt plagues me everyday,
That I didn't do enough to make you stay,
I never got to name you, or lay you on my chest,
Now you're in a better place, I hope it's for the best.

I didn't know you were inside me,
Growing by the day,
The first time I realised, was when
You were taken away.

I clutched at my stomach,
I couldn't take the pain,
If I could hold you just once,
I'd do it all again.

It's been 3 years since I said,
My first goodbye,
The last never seems to come,
No matter how hard I try.

You were tiny when I lost you,
The size of a pea,
That made little difference,
You belonged inside of me.

Not a day goes by when I,
Don't think of you,
You were my future,
I hope you loved me too.

I'll probably never be a "mum",
Although you're not to blame,
3 years still feels too soon,
It just wouldn't be the same.

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Shell
Rating: 5/5
Buy or Borrow: Buy
Source: Copy courtesy of Scholastic

What if you thought you had died, only to wake up to find that your brain and eyes had been transplanted into someone else's body? When Lucy, a teen diagnosed with terminal cancer wakes up cancer-free, it should be a dream come true. But faced with a life she didn't choose and trapped in a new body, Lucy must face the biggest question of all . . . How far would you go to save the one you love?

1. Famous In Love by Rebecca Serle
2. All That Glitters by Vicky Pattison
3. Wolf Bride by Elizabeth Moss
4. Sex, Lies and Cruising by Cathryn Chapman
5. Marie Antionette, Serial Killer by Katie Alender

1. What's A Girl Gotta Do by Holly Bourne
2. Moxie by Jennifer Mathieu
3. Things A Bright Girl Can Do by Sally Nicholls
4. The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck by Sarah Knight
5. This amazing article: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2008/jan/27/fiction.features1

So as the end of the year draws nearer, I thought I'd reflect on some of my blogging/YouTubing achievements this year. When I started this year, I'd lost motivation for blogging, YouTubing and reading. I read a book called After the Fire and it ignited the flame (excuse the pun!) and gave me a reason to do all of the things I love again.

In June, I lost my job and my world was turned upside down - it was then I took on blogging and YouTubing full-time. Something that was terrifying, yet exciting. In 2 months, I'd managed to triple my traffic, followers and subscribers on everything. I was throwing everything into my work and it was paying off. Hard work always does.